The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

00:05 Feb 27 2012
Times Read: 511










This song and video were created to raise awareness, and give pause for thought, about violence against women. Every purchase of the song helps Interval House in Hamilton, a shelter that provides a safe place for abused women in Hamilton.



http://kojoeasydamptey.bandcamp.com/



http://www.intervalhousehamilton.org/

00:08 Feb 26 2012
Times Read: 529

Facts About Abusive Relationships



People being abused whether physically, emotionally or psychologically tend to ignore the facts about abusive relationships. Here are some facts about bad relationships and the warning signs that may signal an abusive relationship.

"It all happened over a period of time. A couple had been married for four months. At first things seemed like a romantic fairytale with the handsome and charming prince and the beautiful, fun loving princess living a "happily ever after life". However as the days passed on the woman grew distant from the family, spending more time with her husband than with them. Not to forget the endless phone calls and questions about what she was doing at every moment of the day. The once outgoing girl soon lost interest in the things she liked, becoming all secretive and moody. To top it all there was was her constant denial that there was something wrong between the couple. So what is it that changed this relationship and the lives of the happy couple?"

People in an abusive relationship often ask themselves as to whether they are suffering from abuse. This is because not many of us understand the true meaning of abuse and the facts about abusive relationships. Most of them mistake the abuse for intense feelings of caring or concern. For example, it can even seem flattering to think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous which might indicate that they really care. However, what people fail to understand is excessive jealousy and a controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love in any healthy relationship involves respect and trust and not about constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship. Read more on traits of a healthy relationship.



It is difficult to define abusive relationships because they relate not just to your spouses and partners but can also extend to a colleague, a neighbor, an employee, an employer, a past or present spouse or children. However, the basis of any relationship abuse lies in the means to extend power and control over a person. This can be any form be it physical, verbal or psychological. Here are some abusive relationship facts.



Abusive Relationship Signs



The warning signs that you may be in an abusive relationship are:



- Jealousy or possessiveness.

- Tries to exert control by being bossy or demanding.

- Makes decisions without consulting a partner. In such a case the submissive partner is expected to obey without question and has no say in the matter.

- Isolating the person from friends and family.

- Public humiliation, name calling and insults.

- Criticism about actions, size and appearance, and abilities.

- Violent or loses his or her temper quickly.

- Threats and intimidation.

- Physical abuse which may include hitting, choking, kicking, throwing things or any unwanted physical contact, especially that which harms you.

- Sexual pressures and demands for sexual activities that the person is not comfortable with.

- Holding the submissive partner responsible for his or her emotional state.

- Placing the blames for mistreating the person.

- Worry about the reaction by the abuser to the things said.

- Leaving and then returning to the abusive partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

- Trouble ending the relationship.

- Use the children for control for example, threatening to take them if the relationship ends.





Myths and Facts about Abusive Relationships



Myth: Abusive relationships are restricted to certain "problem" families, ethnic minorities, uneducated or poorer areas.

Fact: Abuse be it physical, emotional or psychological pervades every ethnic, social strata with financially independent people being just as likely to suffer abuse as are people on low incomes. It is therefore not dependent on the social standing but rather on an individual's internal need for power, the belief that they have the right to control someone else.



Myth: Domestic abuse is a family matter.

Fact: Battering, assaulting or raping another person is a criminal offense where the perpetrator should be punished.



Myth: Abusive relationships is not such a big problem. After all only a few women are actually badly hurt .

Fact: Do you know that an estimated 1.8 million women are battered each year in America with battering being the single major cause of death to women, exceeding rapes, mugging and auto accidents.



Myth: Some people provoke it, want it or even deserve it.

Fact: NOBODY wants or rather deserves to be abused. This myth just does the job of shifting the blame from the abuser to the abused and avoids the stark reality that only the abuser is responsible for his/her own actions. In fact people are beaten for reasons as ridiculous as the dinner being cold, the TV was turned to the wrong channel or the baby was crying.



Myth: If it was that bad, she/he should leave.

Fact: Leaving a partner in the attempt to ending a relationship is just not that easy. There are many emotional, social, spiritual, financial hurdles and other relationship issues to overcome before someone being abused can leave. Sometimes, leaving or trying to leave an abuser can increase the violence or abuse.



Myth: Abusers are always coarse, nasty, violent men.

Fact: Anyone irrespective of looks or social standing can be an abuser. In fact 80% of men who batter and abuse, commit no other crime. Read more on abusive men signs.



Myth: Physical abuse is the only type of abusive relationship.

Fact: More women experience emotional abuse in relationships than physical violence. In contrast to 29% of women having suffered from physical abuse, nearly 35% of all women who are or have been in married or common-law relationships have experienced emotional abuse. It can have many negative effects which can range from long-term problems with health to lowering of one's self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.



If you are involved in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, then getting help is essential. This is because it is often impossible to leave an abusive relationship without support. The best course of action for a relationship breakup in such a case is to seek help from shelters, law enforcement officials, community groups or friends and family who are willing to provide support. Although recovering from the emotional, physical and financial costs of an abusive relationship takes time, it is still worth the effort to save your life and peace of mind.



By Parul Solanki

09:25 Feb 25 2012
Times Read: 540

What's Your Definition of Trust?



The word “trust” means something slightly different to each of us. Depending on the life experiences you've had and the beliefs you hold, trust can relate to a variety of qualities. Despite these variations, however, we know trust to be vitally important to a close, connected love relationship. Without trust, you and your partner are undoubtedly missing out on deeper and fuller love.



Have you ever been around a person whom you just didn't trust? Perhaps you had a disappointing or even hurtful experience with this person and even though you are choosing to interact with him or her, you keep yourself guarded and make certain there is distance (emotional or physical) between the two of you. It could be that you feel like you were betrayed by this person when it came to a confidence you shared with him or her. Maybe it was a close friend with whom you entrusted very personal information and then the friend carelessly told others which made you feel vulnerable and upset.



Whatever happened to form your opinion that this person is not trustworthy-- or even if you merely sense that you shouldn't trust the person-- you might believe that it is in your best interest to withhold information or even yourself from the other person. It could seem to you that to be too open would be unwise or even dangerous. Undoubtedly, there is a wall between you and the person behind which you attempt to talk or interact with him or her.



Does this make it challenging to have an enriching friendship or even comfortable acquaintance with another person? Of course it does-- even if it seems like the best tactic. Now imagine that you are trying to have a love relationship with a person whom, for whatever reason, you just cannot trust. It's one thing to, for example, keep a co-worker at arm's length because you caught him or her spreading lies about you to others you work with, including your employer.



But keeping your love at a distance while trying to have a connected relationship with a wall of mistrust between the two of you is not conducive to closeness, connection and certainly not passion and intimacy.





Get clear about what trust means to you.



It might be readily apparent to you why you mistrust your partner. Perhaps he or she had an affair or has a habit of lying. These are certainly things that can break trust and contribute to distance and disconnection. We aren't suggesting that you should blindly trust your mate again after a betrayal-- or if the foundations for trust have been shaky from the beginning of your relationship.



Instead, we encourage you to take some time to figure out what trust means to you. As we said above, trust can mean different things to different people. When you get clear about what trust means for you and in your relationship, you can more easily make choices that will turn you toward trust.



You might start out by writing the word “trust” at the top of a piece of paper and then freely write down whatever words pop into your head associated with “trust.” Take a look at your list and highlight or circle the words that resonate for you the strongest. You might relate most to truthfulness and honesty-- especially when it comes to communication. Or it could be that feeling like you can depend on your partner is most relevant to you. Try not to judge your definition and priorities about trust in terms of validity or significance. Just notice what comes up for you and then honor where you are right now.





How can you realize your definition of trust?



Now that you are clearer about what trust means to you in this relationship, begin to open up to ways that you can realize that definition of trust. You might start by taking a step back from what you usually see in yourself, your partner and your relationship. Look at your situation in a different way. Perhaps your mate is trustable in ways you don't usually recognize. If so, acknowledge that.



This doesn't mean that you have to overlook what feels inappropriate or dissatisfying to you. But sometimes when you shift your vision or expand your view, you are able to see that there is more to the trust picture than you were perceiving before. This can help the healing and rebuilding.



You might also decide what changes you'd like to make in your own habits and behavior that can help the trust you want to happen. This might mean that you begin to set boundaries and make agreements that can help build trust with your partner. It could also mean that you take a serious look at your relationship and begin to decide if you want to stay in or leave it.



In just about every case, letting go of the past and keeping your attention on what you want-- including staying open to possibilities-- can take you closer to the trusting relationship you desire.





Tips to Increase Trust in Your Relationship



Trust is one of the most crucial, if not the most important factor in building and maintaining a healthy relationship. For a wide variety of reasons, including cheating, deceit as well as past family of origin issues, many South Asians experience less than optimal trust levels in their relationship.



If being disappointed or hurt feels familiar to one or both partners, they will naturally try to protect themselves from future disappointment. This will inevitably translate to less trust in the relationship. These couples often have less physical and emotional intimacy. One or both of them begin to feel like they can’t speak their mind or ask things of each other. They get into fights often and find themselves feeling alone and isolated in their relationship.



Here are some tips on how to improve trust in a relationship:



Engage in genuine positive acts of care. We tend to trust people who are treat us kindly. Both partners should do at least three nice gestures for each other each day. They can be grand gestures such as buying each other flowers or a cooking a favorite meal. Or they can be smaller actions such as giving a hug after long, stressful day. The key is that the gestures should be genuine. If you don’t feel genuinely loving or happy, that is a signal that something larger must be addressed in your relationship.



Fight fair. All couples have arguments but the sign of a healthy relationship is to fight while still showing respect for each other. When your partner feels like despite being angry with them you can still respect them, they are much more likely to trust you and your intentions.



Tell the truth. Except for the occasional surprise for each other, spouses should be completely honest with each other. People can tell when someone is being deceitful and if your partner already has issues with trust from previous relationships or from their childhood, if they sense you are not being truthful they are likely to lose trust in you too.



Set clear boundaries outside of your marriage. When a partner becomes jealous, it is a sign that trust is not established in the marriage and both partners are not on the same page with regards to extra-marital relationships. Talk specifically about what you both are comfortable with regarding friendships outside of the marriage. Once the boundaries are agreed upon, be sure to follow through and not cross the agreed upon lines.



Don’t hold your partner accountable for others’ mistakes. Difficulties with trust can come from negative experiences in childhood, unsuccessful past relationships as well as other life events. While your partner may do something unintentionally that reminds you of a breach of trust from your past, remind yourself that your partner is a different person who may have just made a mistake. Holding your spouse accountable for others’ wrongdoings will not only diminish trust in your relationship on both sides but your spouse will be less likely to give you the benefit of the doubt when you make a mistake.



Be reliable. If you agreed to get groceries for the week, make sure that you follow through with it. Any promise, big or small, should have follow through. If you are not sure if you can deliver, do not promise you can do it. Instead, offer a compromise. For example, “I can’t get a week’s worth of groceries since I will be getting off of work late. But I can pick up enough for dinner tonight, will that be ok?” This will show your partner that you are not just rejecting what they are asking for but instead are offering a more practical solution so that you don’t break a promise later.



Express your needs clearly. Communication styles common to South Asians are often laced with passive aggressiveness, which is an unclear expression of needs and wants. This leaves your partner confused about what you actually need from them and also sends a message that what you say cannot be trusted since you are probably feeling something different than what you are saying. Be open, clear and specific about what you need. Give your partner a chance to make you happy.

00:01 Feb 25 2012
Times Read: 547




10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships:



It’s not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.



A lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.



I’ve watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). I’ve seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and I’ve tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things I’ve seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.



1. You’re playing to win. One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I don’t mean competition in the sense that you can’t stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you’re tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner’s head. If you feel that there are things you can’t tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you’re in a competitive relationship — but not for long.



2. You don’t trust. There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won’t cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won’t leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over — even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.



3. You don’t talk. Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or because they’re trying to win. (See #1 above; example: “If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”) While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems — problems that don’t get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don’t really bother you or worse still totally ignorant to the others feelings. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that’s the death of a relationship.



4. You don’t listen. Listening — really listening — is hard. It’s normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn’t even know exactly what they are. If you can’t listen that way, at least to the person you love, there’s a problem.



5. You spend like a single person. When you’re single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It’s not necessarily wise, but you’re the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner — and your children, if there are or will be any — will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you’d better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there’s anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it. This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they’re married. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. When one person expects everything and gives nothing in return, or if you’re spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.



6. You’re afraid of breaking up. Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that’s a big warning sign that something’s wrong. But often, what’s wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem — you’re afraid that there’s no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn’t going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn’t going to be very satisfying for your partner.



7. You’re dependent. There’s a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you’ve crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever’s missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship — and I’m talking finances as well as emotional support and understanding the others feelings, here — you’re in trouble. (Note: I’m not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances — what I’m saying is that if you’re not contributing to the household budget, and you’re not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that’s never good.)



8. You expect happiness. A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can “make” you happy, except you — but it’s an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren’t only about being happy, and there’s lots of times when you won’t and even shouldn’t be. Being able to rely on someone even when you’re upset, miserable, sick, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy — or worse, you’re frustrated because you aren’t able to make your partner happy — your relationship isn’t going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.



9. You never fight. A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff. One reason couples don’t fight is that they fear conflict — which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That’s bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they’ve learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They’ve learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship’s development. While an argument isn’t pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had — and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can’t come back from.



10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard. There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having. The outcome of both views is that you don’t work at your relationship. You don’t work because it’s supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don’t work because it’s supposed to be hard and it wouldn’t be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out — either because the problems you’re ignoring really don’t go away just because you think they should, or if you think they don't exist, or because the problems you’re cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that’s too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn’t seem to need any work isn’t any better.



Your choices. There isn’t any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…). Failure doesn’t always mean you break up — many people aren’t that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they’re afraid they won’t find anything better, or worse, they’re afraid they deserve it. Don’t you be one of them — if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change. If none of these choices work for you or your partner then it might be best to call it a day for your relationship.

09:59 Feb 23 2012
Times Read: 561




Emotional neglect in a relationship hurts:



Stealthy emotional neglect can break down a relationship. Here's how to tackle it in time



So you've been going over your bad day with your best friend or sister, and they don't seem to be listening... just grunting in the right places. And when you think about it, this is how it is every time. Your spouse doesn't commiserate when you're feeling low or understand your grief over the loss of a friend. In fact, every time you reach out to the person, you get an engaged tone. (S)he is emotionally unavailable. Clinical psychotherapist Salma Prabhu, director of ACE resources, Vashi, tells you what this means and how it can fracture a relationship.



What it means. An emotionally unavailable person cannot build physical closeness, despite being there physically. You know the monosyllabic conversation you have with your partner when he's glued to a cricket match or their own self-esteem. Imagine that to be his or her response to every situation. Such individuals give a feeling of not being available when the other one needs them the most, be it sister, parent, friend or spouse. They wouldn't be the first person you would call up in times of crisis or distress. Those on the receiving end of such a relationship feel unloved.



Where it comes from. Emotionally distance can be indicative of a strict childhood or deprivation of emotionally balanced role models. Some emotions are natural, such as feelings of love, jealousy, anger and happiness. As a child grows, the emotional environment has a bigger impact. For instance, the emotional attachment between siblings will depend on how parents deal with their rivalry, how they avoid comparison and how they divide responsibilities. It depends on how they appreciate and nurture their closeness and togetherness. The first signs of emotional availability can be gauged by how a sibling responds when the other gets hurt, or cries. An only child models his/her response by observing how the parents are available for one another. An emotionally distant adult may have had a traumatic childhood where trust was betrayed repeatedly. Such individuals are scared of long-term relationships or commitment. Once emotional unavailability becomes a way of life, it is difficult for a person to feel comfortable in intimacy, trust, loyalty and are unable to commit to their partner in the same way the other seeks. A long term of therapy to deal with childhood issues may bring some security to the person.



How it affects relationships. Emotional neglect is very harmful to relationships as the other person is not there, sometimes even physically. Such a person finds every excuse to avoid situations which demand emotional attention, instigating the spouse to look for another emotional anchor. A child deprived of emotional security may extract it from the other parent, sibling or spouse. However, an unresponsive spouse makes the other feel unwanted and unloved, raising levels of discontentment in the relationship, and eventually leading to the partner to seek an anchor outside the relationship. A woman may turn her complete attention on the children, which can lead to over-protection and over-obsessive behaviour. A man can turn to other women for attention even if he is the one who drives their spouse away in their times of need. When someone laughs at their partner when their partner needs them the most, or if one partner becomes verbally abusive towards the other, then it will harm the relationship possibly beyond repair.



How to deal with it. Firstly, avoid taking the responsibility of changing this person, parent, spouse or friend. Try not to smother them with too much attention and divert your attention by taking up an assignment. The key is to avoid thrusting the responsibility of your happiness upon this person, as this will only lead to pain and disappointment. Cliché as it sounds, accept him or her the way (s)he is. Therapy would certainly help, but for YOU! The emotionally unavailable person rarely feels the need for it!



Emotionally distant vs unavailable. Emotionally distant people keep everyone at bay — they have no relationships or attachments. They are loners. An emotionally unavailable person is surrounded by people, has friends, cousins, protégés, associates but does not belong to anyone. If they are unwilling to change for their want in a relationship then their attitudes will never change. Emotionally distant people will always have failed relationships no matter how hard their spouse tries to make it work.

08:53 Feb 22 2012
Times Read: 587




Love Hurts:



In the early stages of a relationship, it is difficult to imagine that the one for whom you have such strong feelings could ever hurt you. It is also hard to imagine that you could ever cause the one you love pain, especially when everything is so new. The beginning is always sweet and nice, but sooner or later something less than perfect happens, and one of you gets hurt.



Have you ever heard the phrase, "you always hurt the one you love?" It's so true isn't it? You may not mean to, but at some point, you may do something, or not do something, that your significant other is hurt by. The opposite is also true. As a matter of fact, relationships sometimes end because of this fact. They don't always have to, however.



How to Handle the Pain Love Brings You. If you are in a healthy relationship, the hurt was unintentional. It is important to realize that your loved one didn't plan on causing you pain. Try to see the situation from their perspective. You should try to calm your emotions down, and then talk to them about what they were thinking, or why they did what they did, or said what they said. Be willing to see it their way. Once you hear them out, they will be more willing to hear you out. Explain how you perceived what they said or did, and why you felt hurt by it. You might not be able to communicate this right away. You should wait until an appropriate time, when you are not clouded with emotion. This is easier said than done, but it can be at least be done. Waiting can help you avoid saying things that you don't mean because you are hurt and angry. Get it off your chest by talking it out or writing a brief note or email. Don't just hold a grudge, because it will only hurt you more.



What to Do When Your Loved One Feels Hurt. The most important things that you can do is listen. Showing that you care about their feelings is essential to helping them to heal quickly. You might not understand why they are hurt initially, because you didn't mean to hurt them. Make an effort to see it from their perspective, and try to help them understand your intentions better. Communicate to them that you do care about their feelings. Think about what the cause and effect of the situation brings about. Consider the situation at hand. Understand what your spouse is saying and accept how they feel. Apologize if you did something wrong. Make a sincere effort to acknowledge that you could have done things differently, and express plans to avoid that kind of thing in the future. Make it clear that you didn't mean to hurt them, and that you want to avoid doing it again.



What Not To Do:



If you feel hurt, don't:



- yell

- name-call

- try to get revenge or make them pay

- hold a grudge

- demand an apology

- insist that you are right





If your loved one is hurt, don't:



- disregard their feelings as silly

- say you're sorry unless you actually mean it

- pretend to understand

- insist that you are right

- try to justify your actions as being right



Ultimately, clear and honest communicate can help heal the hurt. Be willing both to listen and to talk. If forgiveness, care, and understanding are working parts of your relationship, there won't be that much pain. You will enjoy a long-lasting and healthy relationship that is true to life.

07:12 Feb 21 2012
Times Read: 616

Tips on Managing Emotions

Dr. Tian Dayton



Because our emotions are experienced in our bodies, emotions make us want to do something. People aren't built to simply lie back and feel their emotions. The experience of emotions is accompanied by the release of hormones in our bodies, changes in breathing and heart rate along with changes in regional blood supply mean that our emotions are actively affecting us. They are real and corporal not just imagined. Emotion manifests itself in various ways, through changes in facial expression, smiling, sneering, crying, blushing, and so on, but also in complex behaviors like shouting, running away, hugging or lashing out. This body involvement, this urge to act, is the key to understanding why we act out our emotions when we can't tolerate feeling them. Learning to tolerate experiencing our strong emotions so we can use our thinking minds to elevate them into our conscious awareness, put them into perspective and bring them into balance, is key to developing emotional balance.



Though we use the terms interchangeably many researchers think that emotions and feelings are actually different, that basic emotions such as fear, grief, desire, rage and love are hardwired into our bodies and happen "atomically" while our feelings are processed by the thinking part of our brain, or the cortex. We become conscious of an emotion only when it has been processed by the cerebral cortex. Once we make our emotions conscious through thinking about them, we can begin to understand our feelings about them so that they can be brought into insight and balance.



This is a small bit of understanding that can go a long way if we apply it to our daily lives. When, in other words, our "basic" emotions get triggered by our best friend standing us up for a dinner, our partner shouting at us or our boss being critical, we have a choice. We can get lost in our hardwired emotional reactions or we can take a couple of deep breaths, calm down and give ourselves time to think through our options. Sometimes, often in fact, the best choice we have is to change our own attitude, to shift from a feeling of helplessness to choice. Changing the way we see or interpret an event can change the way that we experience it. We can find something else to do with our "derailed" evening, for example, and stop worrying about the fact that our plans have been changed. We can remove ourselves from someone else's momentary meltdown and leave them to do discharge by themselves or we can find someone fast who can say some nice things to us in order to ameliorate someone else's criticism. The mind can only be useful to us if we use it.



Weekends can be both time for much needed rest and relaxation or they can feel like too much unstructured time. Our daily routines help us to bind anxiety and put purpose and meaning into our day. When that structure is removed, those feelings that we've been conveniently blocking can work their way up to the surface of our mind and preoccupy us. Another bit of information that can go a long way if we use it. If and when this happens, just remember that you have choices. You can sit down and feel what's going on, maybe share it with a trusted friend or journal about it so that you can gain some understanding and perspective. Process your basic emotions with your thinking mind, in other words. Or you can create a bit of structure in your day in order to feel purposeful. Or both.





Ten Tips on Managing Your Emotions

by Rachel Green



Emotional Intelligence is said to be an indicator of people's success in life. A big component of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to be aware of and manage your own emotions. Here are some tips to help you develop this aspect of your Emotional Intelligence.



1. Stop and check. Take a brief pause in your busy day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself, "How am I feeling?" Become aware of how you are feeling. Decide if any action needs to be taken.



2. Reflect on each day. At the end of a day, stop to reflect. Howard Gardner, one of the original researchers into multiple intelligences says this is a key behaviour of extra-ordinary people. Review your day. Consider what you managed well. Identify what you could have managed better. Decide how you'll improve.



3. Keep a journal. Keep notes on your emotional states on a day-by-day or week-by-week basis. What emotional reactions did you have? What upsets you? What delighted you? Then over time look to see if any patterns emerge. Do you frequently get upset over particular kinds of comments? Are you more likely to feel anxious at a particular time of day? Do particular people trigger different emotional reactions in you? Then take action to help reduce any problems.



4. Accept how you feel. Many of us have been brought up to bury, or run away from, or even to feel ashamed of or embarrassed by our feelings. Develop the ability to own how you feel without trying to deny them. For example you might say to yourself and others, "Yes, I am anxious at the moment", or "I am scared that I'll fail", or "I feel uncomfortable in this situation" or "I'm uncomfortable with the way we are discussing this issue, and would feel more at ease if we could find a kinder way to do it."



5. Don't always let your feelings dictate your behaviour. Just because you are bored with something doesn't mean you have to give up. You are simply feeling bored. The boredom may pass if you acknowledge it and keep going. Just because you feel guilty about standing up for yourself, doesn't mean you don't do it. Just because you feel angry at someone doesn't mean you have to yell, rant or rave at them.



6. Ask yourself why? Is there a reason why you feel as you do? You may feel grumpy at the moment, but why? Is it something that was said to you earlier in the day or because you didn't get what you wanted yesterday or because it stops people giving you more work? Be willing to trace back the triggers for your emotions.



7. Train yourself to let go of your emotional buttons. When my mother or husband used to accuse me of being too sensitive, I used to take it to heart and feel hurt and dejected. Then I realised I was giving my power away to their negativity and that I didn't have to do that. So I trained myself not to mind being called sensitive. Now they can say it as much as they like. There is no longer a button to press. Do the same with your buttons.



8. Remove yourself when angry. If you have become angry, furious or upset you do not have to take it out on the other person. Remove yourself from the situation until you've had time to become clear-headed and calmer. Once you can think straight then maybe that's the best time to talk it through with the people concerned.



9. Don't stew. Some people stew on things. They go over and over things until the initial frustration has blown up into a seemingly major issue. Learn to take action earlier and to not mull over things for days or weeks on end. A simple phone call, a chat with a friend or writing in your journal may free you from the problem.



10. Develop a longer fuse. If you get irritated easily, or go quickly from being calm to being upset, frustrated or angry ? develop ways to stay calm for longer. This may mean pausing before responding to people, counting to 10 before you react or learning techniques such as meditation, yoga or anger management. Develop a calmer view of life.





Overview



Negative emotions can be described as any feeling which causes you to be miserable and sad. These emotions make you dislike yourself and others, and take away your confidence. Emotions which can become negative are hate, anger, jealousy and sadness. Yet, in the right context, these feelings are completely natural. Negative emotions can dampen our enthusiasm for life, depending on how long we let them affect us and the way we choose to express them.



Negative emotions stop us from thinking and behaving rationally and seeing situations in their true perspective. When this occurs, we tend to see only we want to see and remember only what we want to remember. This only prolongs the anger or grief and prevents us from enjoying life. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched the problem becomes. Dealing with negative emotions inappropriately can also be harmful - for example, expressing anger with violence.



Emotions are psychological (what we think) and biological (what we feel). Our brain responds to our thoughts by releasing hormones and chemicals which send us into a state of arousal. All emotions come about in this way, whether positive or negative. It is a complex process and often we don't have the skills to deal with negative feelings. That’s why we find it hard to cope when we experience them. However, if you want to make changes within yourself to better cope with different situations there are always ways to do so. The best way are by using the tips given above and/or implementing meditation time, time to find your balance and inner peace.

09:13 Feb 18 2012
Times Read: 643

Tips for a healthy relationship:



1. Don’t try to change them. Instead of trying to change something, he or she does – change you! Far too often, people get enspoused to with the belief they can simply change the person they enspoused to, molding him or her into the “perfect” mate. Instead, you need to accept your mate for the person he/she is. If a behavior needs to be changed, then provide support and encouragement. For example, if your husband complains about not having clean clothes, rather than nag at him, show him how to launder his shirts, jeans, or whatever it is he needs.



2. Learn to communicate. Communication is a key ingredient to any successful relationship. That means talking through situations rather than bottling up or yelling. By showing respect, you can work together as a couple should. With this, the two of you can talk to understand the other person’s side better. Never just share your own feelings, but learn to listen to your partners feelings too. Try to understand them and if there are changes to be made to reach a compromise, then talk about those too. A relationship should involve both people's feelings, not just one.



3. Keep intimacy as a part of the relationship. Remember, this person is the one you love, the one you want to share your life with, which means letting go of inhibitions. Intimacy is an excellent way to stay close, doing wonders for any relationship.



4. Accept the flaws in your spouse. Since no one is perfect, you want to learn to appreciate the differences between the two of you. If your husband wakes up with bad hair or your wife is grumpy, love him/her, in spite of the flaws.



5. Learn to ignore the small stuff. Every relationship faces challenges, some big and some small. Remind yourself that life is precious and short. Therefore, focus on the larger battles, working through them as a team while letting go of the incidentals that in the big scheme of things does not matter.



6. Make sure you choose your battles wisely. If you are going to pick something apart, make sure it really matters. Unfortunately, unresolved arguments are a big issue in relationships, often leading to divorce. Therefore, unless the issue is something significant, learn to let some things roll off your back.



7. Time for friends is also crucial. Once every other week, you should both take one day or evening to spend time apart and with same-sex friends. This will help you maintain your own identity and appreciate the time you have with your spouse.



8. Never take your spouse for granted. Again, life is too precious. Instead, find things that your partner does well or things that please you and let him/her know. If your husband is outside working on the car, take time to bring him a cold glass of tea or lemonade…just because. If your wife has been home all day with the children, hire a babysitter and surprise her with a dinner out.



9. Date your mate. Just because you are now enspoused, you should not stop dating. Every Friday or Saturday night, even if you have children, make a date. This could be something as simple as bowling and beer or a romantic dinner and concert. The activity is not important, just that you get time for just the two of you.



10. Be forgiving with your partner. You will be faced with tough times and you have a choice of forgiving him/her when a mistake happens or carrying it in the relationship. Obviously, if you do not forgive, the relationship will suffer. Therefore, if resolution is found, swallow your pride and forgive your mate, letting the new day be another beginning.



11. Stop trying to control your partner. In a happy relationship, partners know they cannot control each other. You have practiced this "external control" if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right. "Think first," Carleen Glasser says. Ask yourself: "If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?" Then think of what you can change to make the problem better.



12. Honor and respect your partner. "Be honoring all the time," says Thomas Merrill. That means no "my old lady" stories, he says. And it also means a wife shouldn't be flirting with male co-workers or other men. Respect was also a marriage tip that came up often from the marriage masters, Boggs says. "The No. 1 principle that almost everyone talked about is respect," he says. "You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect." Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others. "One man told me, 'Let's say someone is walking by when you are criticizing your mate. That is the only opinion they have of you.'"



13. If you're the wife, lower your expectations. If you're the husband, step up to the plate. When Steve Brody and his wife, Cathy Brody, MFT, a marriage and family counselor, toured the country to promote their book, Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, they asked audiences what they wanted from marriage. "Women expected to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted," Steve Brody says. They had a long list of wants and expectations, he recalls. The men joked that their expectations were more basic: Their typical answers, Brody says: "Bring food and show up naked." While the men were half joking, the gaps in expectations are a good lesson. To close the gap, Brody says, women need to lower their expectations -- to not expect 24/7 romance, for instance, especially if their mate has just worked an unbelievably long week. Men need to do some of the things the woman wants, such as prioritize their relationship and listen more, he says. In a nutshell, Brody says, "Men need to do the same things at home that they do at work." He tells the husbands he counsels to think of it this way: "Your wife is the million-dollar client. If she walks out the door, the business is closed."





The seven deadly habits are: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.



The seven caring habits include: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

01:21 Feb 18 2012
Times Read: 659

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

Ralph Waldo Emerson



We all want to have true friends, but the quality of our friends depend on us. If you want to have true friends, you should be a true friend yourself. By being a true friend, people will love to be around you and many of them will eventually become your true friends.



In addition, being a true friend is a good way to solve relationship problems. It’s difficult to change other people, but you can always change yourself. You can then solve the otherwise unsolved problems in relationships.



Here I’d like to share 17 tips to become a true friend. It may take years to learn to apply them but they are essential to boost your relationships.



Here they are:



1. Befriend yourself

Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt



This is an essential first step if you are to be a true friend. If you don’t even accept yourself, how can you accept others? You may have made mistakes in the past that you can’t forget. But forgive yourself for them. You perhaps don’t have the traits you want in life. But accept yourself as you are.





2. Accept others

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. ~ Unknown



After you befriend yourself, you will be in a good position to accept others. Other people may do you wrong or have some bad habits you don’t like. But you are not perfect yourself so there is no reason for you not to accept them.





3. Make time

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent. ~ Barbara Bush



Sometimes we are too busy to provide time for relationships, even for important people in our life. That most likely happens because we put relationships too low in our priority list. If we regard relationships as high priority, time won’t be a problem. We will make time for relationships.





4. Be a good listener

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ~ Ed Cunningham



The art of listening is one of the most difficult arts to master. I experience it myself. Sometimes I talk with a friend but don’t carefully listen to what he says. Sometimes I’m introduced to a new person but don’t carefully listen to her name. A true friend doesn’t do that. A true friend is a good listener.





5. Enrich others’ life

Friendship is a treasured gift, and every time I talk with you I feel as if I’m getting richer and richer. ~ Unknown



A true friend provides value to others. She wants people who meets her to be enriched in their life. If you want to do that, you should live a lifestyle of value. This way you amass value in your life you can then distribute to others.





6. Understand first



Everyone looks at life through his own lens. Often we expect others to see life through the same lens as ours, but that will create a lot of problems. A true friend is someone who is willing to look through other people’s lenses first. He tries to understand why they think and act that way. One thing I find helpful for this is learning about personality. Learning about personality helps me understand why people behave differently from me in certain situations. A good, easy-to-digest book on this subject is Personality Plus.





7. Find common ground



Finding common ground helps you connect with new friends quickly. The common ground allows you to talk to others about something they are interested in and thereby build relationships with them. To make it easier to find common ground, you should enlarge your ground. The larger your ground, the easier it is for you to connect with others. Two simple ways to enlarge your ground is reading a lot and listening a lot.





8. Be interested



If you want to be interesting you should first be interested. Be curious. Cultivate interest about many things. If you do that, you can genuinely be enthusiastic when people talk to you about something. People will feel appreciated and love to be around you.





9. Take initiative to help

Make use of your friends by being of use to them. ~ Benjamin Franklin



A true friend doesn’t wait until someone asks his help. Instead, he takes the initiative to help others. This, of course, is easier said than done. To do this, you should be on the lookout for needs. Be sensitive. Often you can find others’ needs through what they implicitly say. You may also see it through their body language. When you sense a need, think about how you can help them and take the initiative to help.





10. Trust others

Confidence is the foundation of friendship. If we give it, we will receive it. ~ Harry E. Humpreys



If you treat others as good and trustworthy people, they will also treat you likewise. Believe in your heart that people are naturally good, even when they seem to be the opposite. People will feel how you believe in them and they will be touched by your sincerity.





11. Rebuke when you should

In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend. ~ Solon



A true friend is not afraid of saying the truth, even if it’s not convenient to the ones who hear it. A true friend cares too much about the person’s wellness that he can’t afford to let him live wrongly. Always have others’ best interest in your heart and be honest to them.





12. Know the right time to do things

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over. ~ Gloria Naylor



A true friend knows the right time to praise, the right time to listen, and the right time to rebuke. She knows when to come and when to stay away. A true friend masters the art of timing.





13. Have integrity

There can be no friendship without confidence and no confidence without integrity. ~ Samuel Johnson



Integrity is the foundation of true friendship. Be sure that you do what you say. You can only build true friendship if you are true to yourself and others.





14. Commend others

Reprove your friend privately, commend him publicly. ~ Solon



People need appreciation. They need to know that you appreciate them. Often we are quick to criticize but slow to commend. Let’s make it the opposite. Sincerely commend them when they do something right. Even better, commend them publicly.





15. Leverage others’ potential

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. ~ Henry Ford



A true friend wants to see the people around them live up to their maximum potential. You can do this by helping your friends recognize and develop their personal strengths.





16. See the positive side of others

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. ~ Bernard Meltzer



A true friend knows you good enough to see your weaknesses but he still believes in your potential. To become a true friend, you should believe that your friends are good on the inside no matter how bad their outward appearance might be. It’s by this belief that you can sincerely encourage them.





17. Be present in difficult times

True friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient; it’s about being there when it’s not. ~ Unknown



This is the test of true friendship. Fake friends will be with you when you are happy since they want to share your happiness. But fake friends won’t be with you in difficult times. Only true friends will choose to be with you in difficult times.





So, to be a true friend, be with your friends in their dark moments. Be with them even if you need to let go your own convenience. It may be the most difficult tip of all, but it’s the mark of true friendship.



While learning these tips may take years, we can always grow and become better every day.